It’s Canada’s 150 birthday celebration and I was invited on a helicopter ride today. Wow!
The Three sister peaks in the rocky mountains, just outside of Banff national park.
They are named Faith, hope and charity.
I have struggled for about 20 years to fit in this country, feeling like an outsider not wanting to fit into the mainstream. Nothing that others called fun interested me or brought me joy.
The world seemed like a crazy place where only the rich enjoyed. Whether in Paris walking the boulevards or Rome passing the villas or New York observing the great apartments on the upper East side or the penthouse living in Vancouver, I felt puzzled. I have learnt that lot of those folks made their fortune by exploiting the natural resources or other people on their way to the top. I fell into that trap early On, just like I fell into the promises of marriage and kids thinking that perhaps that’s where fulfilment lies and not in the pursuit of money. I was woefully unprepared to how unfulfilling motherhood and marriage felt like. My first husband in the wake of the breakup did leave a sign hung in our living room saying I don’t know anything about being a mother or a woman and mocked me for learning about it in books and defaced my books titled: God in every Man / Goddess in every woman/Ecstasy.
He was right I didn’t know how to be what the world expected from a “good wife” or a mother that bakes cookies. I’ve studied Adler and read books on parenting and my kids begged me to order birthday cakes from dairy queen as they said no one will come to their parties because I have a reputation that I don’t serve pop and my cakes are made of fruit/ not sugar. I felt sick feeling powerless of the pressure the culture put on me to comply with poisoning our kids. Same goes for the Tv or brand named clothes. I felt like an island and the waves were beating at my shores. I have been offered helicopter rides before but turned them down as I couldn’t risk leaving my kids without a parent. I felt everything was wrong about me exceot my sense of responsibilty. But…time passed. Kids are grown and with my last attempt at the white picket fence failing miserably I was forced to recalibrate. Since then I am finding that everything was and is right about me and the world us slowly creating a space where I can align with who I really am and magically people and opportunities show up for me to able to fully show up, battle worn, scarred but still here.
Money has never been my objective ,it has destroyed my parents. As an odd duck now I am paid to live this life of wonder. I never thought i would love this long…but here we are. Listening to your voice i felt not an outsider anymore. My whole body was tingling, my head was dizzy, my chest was bursting and tears didnt stop:.
There is a world put there that makes sense to me , where I come from and forgotten and it’s been confusing since bits and pieces have been revealed only, but now more, bigger, rich…powerful pieces are emerging and I feel that’s where I belong to.
An ancient forgotten buried, destroyed world that you are unearthing, feels familiar, with the scent of plumeria (picture of it has been on my fridge for 10 years) ( I have taken the bus to a market outside of Ubud to be able to find stocks of incense of plumeria that I still have and use for sessions).
It all is tied together and this mysterious force that has led me always off the common path now doesn’t feel like an enemy ( what my father told me) but an ally who has been guiding me all along. I feel found. Thank you.